MISERABLE AT BEST - DAWN

[adrian noah mcallister]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: D0D4D7; border: #526976 solid 9px; width: 410px; padding: 5 5 5 5px;] i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best Of all the places Adrian had expected to go in his life, this was not one of them. Not the Blue Ox, although he never imagined that, either, but Maryland as a whole. What did a guy like Adrian need to do with a place like Ocean City? There were plenty of gorgeous beaches in California, so it wasn’t like his previous setting had been lacking in any ‘ocean.’ And he had been situated in the lap of LA, so there wasn’t a need for any ‘city.’ For not the first time, Adrian questioned his motives. Deep down, he knew the real reason, but he didn’t want to admit it. It had been a year, after all, and why would anyway hold onto something that long? Adrian didn’t think of himself as a person who couldn’t let go, although his track record for holding grudges said otherwise. If he had truly wanted to think about his feelings, he would realize how badly he was in denial. But he didn’t need Dawn. Obviously, he had gotten along fine without her for 17 years, so it stood to reason that he could have just gone on without her. Adrian wanted to believe that. But, then again, he was in Ocean City, after all, sitting at one of the booths in the corner, waiting for the only reason he was here in the first place. It wasn’t for the "great educational opportunities.” He knew it, but he’d never tell you. And he would probably never tell Dawn, either. He couldn’t even be sure that she would show. Their phone call had been a bittersweet surprise for Adrian; although they both had said things they (Adrian hoped) didn’t mean, it was still nice to know that Dawn had kept his number all this time. Why she never called or gave him any indication of her existence in a year, Adrian didn’t know. Although the same could be said for him, seeing as he had also kept her number and never called. Remembering the venomous way she had ended their brief conversation, Adrian was almost certain that she wouldn’t come. That made him angry. After all, she owed him this, right? What had he really done to piss her off so bad a year ago? He hadn’t cheated on her or broken her trust in anyway, but that didn’t stop her from being destructive all by herself. Adrian wondered if there was really anything he could have done, if maybe he had finally found a person more scared of commitment than himself: someone who would obsess and pick at something until they’d created a reason to break things off. That’s what it certainly looked like Dawn had done. Whatever it was, Adrian still felt guilty, like he’d done something wrong. She sure treated him like that. Every time he asked her what was wrong, they fought. Like he was what was wrong. His eyes went to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. Adrian hadn’t seen her in over a year, and, on a scale of 1 to 10, he was about a 21 when it came to wanting to see her. Her image was crisp in his mind, and how could it not be? Adrian knew every curve of her body, having spent 2 years’ worth of nights getting to know it. He would bet that there wasn’t another person who knew it quite like he did; he knew every way to get her going, and make her—. Adrian’s leg began to bounce restlessly, as he tried his hardest to push away the all of the good memories he had of Dawn. It was times like these when it was hardest to convince himself that they were really over. Adrian always had trouble with that, especially in the beginning. The first day after she’d left was the hardest. The empty feeling. To this day, it was still there. But Adrian reminded himself that just coming here, seeing her again, wouldn’t fix it, and it wasn’t going to get better with her. He had to make sure that he wouldn’t be disappointed by her again. Even if she came. The one thing Adrian had ordered, a beer, set practically untouched on the table. words 7 1 1 tagged dawn notes crying because adriawn coded by becky! of caution 2.0

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[dawn nissa carmichael]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] [style=text-align: center] i remember gold days [/style] [style=font-size: 10px; line-height: 10px; padding: 25px; margin-top: -10px; color: 8c8a8a;]she honestly could not believe what she was doing. what was she expecting to get from this? closure? sure. that's what she thought she wanted, wasn't it? she couldn't believe that he was here at all, let alone the fact that she was about to go meet her ex of a year to 'talk'. that's what he had said, after all, when he texted her. that they needed to talk. dawn studied herself in the mirror for a moment, wondering why she even cared about what she looked like for adrian. dawn shook her head, trying to reassure herself by telling herself it was to show him what he should be missing. whatever. she tended to do that with every man on the planet no matter what she was wearing, but dawn still had put on high waisted black shorts and tucked in a nice button down shirt. her fingers were busy rolling up the sleeves on the silky striped fabric, but dawn's mind was far elsewhere. their conversation on the phone had been... less than endearing. not exactly what she would have wanted for their first conversation after a two year relationship ended. but how was she supposed to react? she was walking with friends the day before and had spotted him strolling across campus. dawn had nearly choked on the water she was drinking recovering from seeing him, and it took her a day to work up the courage to actually call him. her mind had been playing tricks on her - was she imagining things? but dawn had assured herself she was over adrian by now. it had been one whole year, for christ's sake, and many whole other men. her fingers slipped guiltily over the laces she was doing up on the black ankle boots. she hadn't thought about how many men she had slept with since her relationship with adrian. hadn't he done the same? probably slept with ms. sexy ex the second dawn was out of the picture. she scoffed. that was the whole reason for all this bullshit. one of adrian's ex girlfriends had shown up into the picture and was a bit more friendly than dawn could care for. it wasn't at first she didn't trust adrian, but things had slowly deteriorated and she lost trust for almost everyone in her life. dawn didn't like thinking about the fact that at that same time, the drinking in her life had gotten a lot worse as well, but of course that didn't have anything to do with adrian. she was comfortable blaming him in a dull, general point. details wouldn't benefit either of them (though dawn couldn't see how senseless that was through her denial). details were exactly what the two needed at that time, and all the vague accusations were eventually what undid everything they had. dawn pulled sunglasses up on top of the long beachy curls and slung a bag over her shoulder, reluctantly making her way out of the dorm and towards blue ox, which was thankfully right across the street. she had been trying for the past hour as she got ready to prepare herself emotionally for everything that was likely to happen. it was a cloudy looking day - overcast, and the clouds were threatening, but the air held some kind of still underlying heat that made dawn feel depressed and angry all at the same time. or that was probably the communication she had with her old flame earlier that day. she continued to berate her mind on the walk over, and soon enough, her fingers were grasping the familiar brass handle and pulling the door open to the comfortably air conditioned restaurant. her heart jumped into her throat suddenly upon entering the restaurant. she hadn't seen him in a year - what would he look like? changed? even... completely moved on? dawn second guessed him for a moment, wondering if he had moved on that quickly. was she going to sit down at the table to find a ring on his finger? the hair raised on her neck in jealousy, and dawn pursed her lips before glancing around before fully entering the restaurant and glancing around. he was there - near the back, in a booth near the window, with a beer sitting in front of him. he looked very much the same, she realized in relief, and tried not to let her eyes follow the familiar planes of his jaw and neck, his arms, so she cast them to the floor instead. dawn tried to step lightly, suddenly feeling like the slight tap of her heels on the floor were clashing, insistent thuds. her teeth began pulling at her lip as she finally glanced up from the ground to look at him, his face, god his eyes. and with the nostalgia came another rush of anger, for completely separate reasons. she cleared her throat slightly, petite frame making its way up to the booth and pausing a brief moment, running her hand through her hair and pulling the sunglasses out before sliding in to the side facing him. seeing him had completely disarmed her - she didn't know where the rest of the anger could come from, though she could feel it bubbling somewhere. her lips parted, trying to figure out what to say as her eyes dropped to the table and then raised to his. "um. hi. adrian." his name on her lips felt wrong after so much time, and she begged something out there for control during this conversation. [/style] tagged adrian words nine two seven notes holy crap

[adrian noah mcallister]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: D0D4D7; border: #526976 solid 9px; width: 410px; padding: 5 5 5 5px;] i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best The clouds were looking particularly ominous. They blocked out whatever light the sun had to shine, and it put a damper on Adrian’s mood. Not that his mood was a good one. It had been dark since his conversation with Dawn earlier. To be honest, however, the slight chance—how ever slim it was—that he would get to see her today, in this simple bar and grill was enough that Adrian wouldn’t call his mood a bad one. His anger on the phone had been retaliation to hers. He never would have wanted their first contact in a year to be like that, but Dawn could be frustrating, especially when you had a past with her like Adrian did. Needless to say, after their phone call, his anger had dissipated rather quickly. All in all, his emotions were some crack mixture of nervous excitement, dread, and frustration. A perfect match to a cloudy day. Adrian tried not to stew over their earlier conversation, but it was proving to be hard for him. He couldn’t imagine why she had to treat him like such a villain when it had been her that was the crack in their relationship. Or was she? Adrian had played the events of their last few weeks together and always came up with the same answer: Dawn was just too distrustful. That was really all there was to it. Yes, Adrian’s former girlfriend had come back into his life. Not entirely surprising after moving back to his hometown. Yes, they were friendly, but they didn’t have a bad breakup. It was a mutual sort of thing. Meaning they both agreed that they were better as friends. Meaning neither of them had any lingering feelings. If Adrian was going to be entirely honest with himself, there was no way he could have feelings for anyone else. Dawn completely filled him up, like she had the entire time they knew each other, even when she was taken by another guy. His mind had always been on Dawn, and that wasn’t unreasonable; she was the kind of girl that guys spent all their time thinking about. Frankly put, Adrian had been in love with her. Of course that had scared him, but she had been the only exception to his normal hit it and quit it rules. Adrian took a deep breath and let it out, remembering her last words. ”I’m not going to be the easy fuck this time!” How could she have said that? When was anything easy with that girl? And when had anything in their relationship been about fucking? Of course that was definitely a bonus. But you didn’t enter monogamous relationships for fucking. You didn’t move in together for fucking. Another year or so and they probably would have been married! Adrian, frustrated with his own nostalgic thoughts, and hurt by her earlier words, ran his hands through his blonde hair, pushing it out of his face. It fell back anyway. After a few minutes of staring halfheartedly at his beer, Adrian heard the door open. He forced himself not to look up, not to hope it was her. The following clacks of heels made his heart stutter, and the sound of a throat clearing made him look up. His eyes found her shoes, black ankle boots, first and traveled up the long, bronzed legs to the sultry curve of her hips, the cinched waist, to her perfectly endowed chest, past her neck that he’d spent many a night teasing, and straight to her eyes, which, of course, were avoiding his. Dawn slid into the booth across from him, and he looked back at his beer, trying to quell the nervous bubbling in his stomach, and the incessant feeling of having his heart repeatedly stomped on. Finally, her eyes connected with his, and it was enough for him to momentarily forget that they weren’t together. It passed quickly with her awkward, ”Um. Hi. Adrian.” It didn’t sound right, or, at least, it didn’t sound like the times she had once said his name. Adrian tried not to sound disappointed, because what was he expecting anyway? ”Hi, Dawn.” The words hung in the air, before he carried on awkwardly, like nothing bad had ever happened. ”How have you been?” words 7 1 4 tagged dawn notes crying because adriawn coded by becky! of caution 2.0

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[dawn nissa carmichael]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] [style=text-align: center] i remember gold days [/style] [style=font-size: 10px; line-height: 10px; padding: 25px; margin-top: -10px; color: 8c8a8a;]all at once, dawn wanted to put her head in her hands and cry, reach across the table and smack him, and drop to her knees and beg him to forgive her for all of the problems she had caused. the sight of him was enough to bring back everything from a year ago, but dawn worked quickly to recover the heavy barriers she had since put up. things were different now, for the both of them. it was easier this way for dawn - with all the barriers and distrust and anger and all the denial. that was her defense mechanism - it was the only way she knew to direct her emotions into something else, was to put up the wall from other people so they couldn't influence her more. she'd started doing it since their breakup. everything hurt a little less. and then she'd tried to undo those walls again recently with asher, and look where that had gotten her. suddenly exhausted, dawn brought her slim elbows to the table and pressed her fingers to her temples, closing her eyes and inhaling through her nose. god, she could smell him. the realization in the scent made her queasy, and dawn opened her eyes and looked away, thankfully to where a waiter was approaching. male. great. they usually gave her alcohol without carding her, and she was with adrian who was holding a beer, so. barely allowing him to get a word out, dawn looked up and spoke. "gin and tonic, what do you have? bombay sapphire? that works, and two limes," she said weakly to the waiter, who gave a small nod and went off to fetch her drink. she always had pretty good luck with people carding her, and generally they wanted to get in her pants, so dawn didn't mind flirting to get the drinks that she wanted. what a beautiful corrupted world this was. her tired gaze moved back to adrian. "hi, dawn." her eyes dropped to his mouth as he said her name and dawn struggled not to flinch at the familiarity. she didn't want him to be able to say it so... normally. "how have you been?" she just stared at him for a long moment. the last thing she had been expecting him to say first, was of course the first thing he said. of course, this was adrian. despite how long they had been together, of course he was still able to catch her by surprise. it was his nature. she couldn't help herself but give a dry laugh and shake her head once. "how have i been." dawn paused, pursed her lips, looked around a bit, and let her eyes trail back to his. "absolutely dandy would probably cover it, how about you?" she couldn't help the biting sarcasm that left her mouth along with the words, but regretted it as soon as it was out. hadn't she overstepped her boundaries more than enough while she was on the phone with him? everything she said in anger might hurt him, but dawn didn't want to hurt him. it was the most difficult thing to move on, which was the best thing for both of them - but meanwhile, it wasn't going to be smiles and memories. thankfully, the waiter came back a few moments later with her drink. "anything to eat?" dawn shook her head no and gave him a pointed stare before he sauntered off reluctantly. she sighed and reached down, plucking a lime with her finger and squeezing the juice into the drink before repeating the process with the other lime and dipping her pinky finger into the drink and stirring. a dry look entered her eyes, trying to recover and be free of emotion for the discussion, as she raised her finger to her lips and swept the remaining liquid off, and then plopped her arms back onto the table and looking up at adrian. she wished she could stare at him the same way she did anyone else and not get nervewracked, but it wasn't that simple. [/style] tagged adrian words six eight two notes holy balls

[adrian noah mcallister]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: D0D4D7; border: #526976 solid 9px; width: 410px; padding: 5 5 5 5px;] i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best For the first time since he arrived, Adrian was starting to doubt himself. Her lackluster greeting was a factor, but it was also the way she looked so tired. Dawn seemed genuinely uncomfortable, and it made Adrian feel even more guilty. In coming here, he had always felt so certain, and he’d never given himself a moment to second guess himself. The year they hadn’t spoken, it had eaten at him until he finally had to come find her himself. It wasn’t that he locked himself in his room and cried. No, he actually did the exact opposite. He amassed a large number of friends, and an even larger number of bedmates. However, Dawn was always there, hovering over him like the shadowy clouds outside. Adrian was still trying to find the right girl to get under to get over Dawn. But, first, he had to gain whatever closure with Dawn he could. Ok, maybe he should have called first, but that was in the past. They were here now. But now that Adrian was here, he couldn’t help feeling like a jerk. She’d probably made some beautiful life here for herself. She must have; she was even continuing her education. And there were probably other aspects of her life that changed… like, her relationship status. Adrian did a quick glance to see if anything on her pointed to a significant other, and was more than a little relieved when he found none. Despite that, Adrian was almost positive that she’d moved on in the particular area. And he’d probably fucked everything up now, or would soon. ”How have I been.” Adrian could hear the sarcasm in her voice, and cracked the smallest of smiles. Not that sarcasm was an endearing trait, or anything, but it sounded a lot better in her voice than his name had. ”Absolutely dandy would probably cover it. How about you?” Adrian raised his eyebrows and nodded, not at all surprised by that sort of answer. ”I would say about the same,” he answered. ”More or less.” He finally took a deep gulp of his beer as the waiter delivered Dawn’s drink. He wanted to say something about it—anything. Dawn was never good with alcohol. She was an alcoholic, plain and simple. And for a while, when they had been dating, it didn’t seem like such a problem. However, towards the end of their relationship, she’d gotten worse. Now all Adrian could do was wonder about it; he felt as if he had no right to know anything about her life now, though that wasn’t entirely true. It felt weird for him, being here with her and not knowing how to act. Everything had always come so naturally when they used to talk, even when they were fighting, and now Adrian didn’t know what to say. He could see that Dawn was preparing for some serious discussion, but he didn’t know where to start. The truth was, Adrian didn’t have a whole lot to say to her. Yes, he had a few questions, but he couldn’t remember them now, with her looking at him with those intense blue eyes. And those lips, and her hair, and it was just so much harder to remember anything besides what she tasted like when she was this close. Adrian took a deep breath, willing his mind to clear up and get out of the gutter. After a second he began, ”Dawn, I know it might seem like I was trying to hurt you in coming here, but…” He casted his eyes downward, and continued. ”But that really isn’t it. I’m sorry I didn’t call. It’s just,” The rest of his breath came out in a little huff as he was clearly having trouble with this, but he forced himself to look up and continue. ”I needed to know how you were, and I guess I had to see it for myself.” That was only part of the reason he was here, but it seemed like a good way to start the conversation, instead of just blurting out every question he’d had. words 6 8 4 tagged dawn notes whAT coded by becky! of caution 2.0

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[dawn nissa carmichael]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] [style=text-align: center] i remember gold days [/style] [style=font-size: 10px; line-height: 10px; padding: 25px; margin-top: -10px; color: 8c8a8a;]he smiled, and it almost set her off all over again. the fact that she could miss that smile but be telling herself that she didn't miss the person behind it. it made her want to throw things, especially the fact that it drew a smile from her own lips in return to his, though it might have been wry. it pissed her off that he had that kind of control over her. "i would say about the same. more or less." she nodded, chewing on her lower lip briefly. she saw his eyes on her drink and her, and dawn suddenly felt very defensive. she knew adrian probably knew her the best out of anyone in her life at that moment. once again, he had control over her because of this. dawn didn't like people knowing her well, and if adrian knew her well, he knew her weakness when it came to alcohol. dawn clenched her jaw and stubbornly took a drink of the cocktail. "dawn, i know it might seem like i was trying to hurt you in coming here, but..." okay, woah, adrian just admitted that her point was valid. that eased her nerves a bit, considering she was so ready for conflict that she was practically sitting on the edge of her seat. dawn couldn't stand watching him like that. it wasn't the adrian that she remembered - but she didn't have the liberty to fix it. it was her that had caused him to sit like this right now, though she'd never utter those words out loud. "but that really isn't it. i'm sorry i didn't call. it's just..." her hand twitched anxiously, and dawn bounced a knee, trying to keep her eyes off his lips. could he just... out with it already, it was so difficult this way. he huffed a bit and dawn chewed on the inside of her cheek, eagerly making eye contact with him as he finally seemed to be able to get it out. "i needed to know how you were, and i guess i had to see it for myself." several different reactions. first - relief, that he had finally just said it and she didn't have to wait in anticipation, feeling his anxiety. second - defensive anger, because did he think she couldn't take care of herself? did he really think that when she was on her own, she would be self destructive? dawn forced herself to take a deep breath. he hadn't said that, and it surely wasn't what he had meant. trying to soothe her nerves, she focused on the third, more comforting emotion that permeated her - nostalgia and regret. most would be surprised that dawn would prefer that, but it had been something she was comfortable with for a long time. her decisions often weren't... premeditated, exactly, and she spent a lot of time regretting things she had done, wishing things had turned out differently. dawn closed her eyes briefly and opened them, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. her lips paused, eager to form a few different words, but none of them felt right and she paused before trying to summarize her emotion in a few words. "oh." not exactly how she had wished it to come out - dawn didn't want to make him think she was completely enraged at him. but she was, right? so enraged. none of this was right, but it really wasn't as if either of them could control it at this point. "no, i mean..." dawn figuratively tripped over her words, and she took a shaky breath (failed attempt at reassuring herself). "i mean, i didn't think you would care after all this time," she breathed, her eyes off to the side, rather ashamed but unfocused. she reached up and tugged on a strand of hair (an old nervous habit), and wondered what she could say to counter him. did she care how he was? certainly not! "i mean, i wondered about you too." what? no! she most certainly did not! irritated with herself, dawn breathed a brief curse under her breath and shook her head once. "i just wasn't ready for this." that was true. whatever frame of mind she had been in when adrian returned, it was most certainly not prepared. anything but that. she took a sip of her drink and set it back down carefully, tracing the rim of the round glass with her finger absentmindedly as she paused, trying to explain something else but hoping that he still knew her well enough that he could practically read her mind. that was how things were until the end, anyway. until the trust broke, whoever's fault it had been. [/style] tagged adrian words seven eight seven notes yES pLeaSE

[adrian noah mcallister]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: D0D4D7; border: #526976 solid 9px; width: 410px; padding: 5 5 5 5px;] i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best It had taken entirely too long for someone of Adrian’s normal eloquence to spit out what he had, and he could see that in the way that Dawn fidgeted. She was never a patient girl; it simply wasn’t her style. She got what she wanted when she wanted, and Adrian could feel her annoyance at how bad he was beating around the bush. He couldn’t make the words come out any faster because they felt heavy in his mouth. They were ripe with all the raw emotion he’d felt since coming back into contact with her. The initial happiness, the anger that followed, the hurt that had always been there since she packed up and left a year ago. Maybe she couldn’t tell—it was better that way—but each word he said contained all that, and it was actually hard for him to put his thoughts in line. When he was done, he could see her sag as the suspense gave way to climax. She seemed a little conflicted, and Adrian certainly knew how she felt. He was still shocked by his own ability to read her, still, after 365+ days of not even knowing if she was alive. (He was glad that she was, indeed, still alive.) The little things she did were still so familiar: the way she’d stirred her drink with her pinky, and then licked the excess off, the way her posture gave so much about her mood away. Hell, Adrian could practically read her aura, if he’d been able to see one. Adrian waited as she processed his words, trying not to give away his own eagerness to seeing her reaction. Although, they had been in a serious relationship for two years; if she couldn’t read his mood like he could hers, she must not have been paying much attention. He’d been the more observant one, of course, but it was a mutual thing. After what felt like another year, she said, ”Oh.” Adrian was confused at first—was this a surprised oh, or a disappointed oh? In truth, it didn’t have any emotion in Adrian’s ears, or maybe too much. All he could say back, in slight disbelief, was ”Oh?” In a moment, she continued. ”I mean, I didn’t think you would care after all this time.” At that, Adrian felt the most hurt by her he had the whole day. As if. As if he could not care about her. As if he could just hit a switch in his heart to off and miraculously stop loving her. Perhaps he didn’t love her anymore, not the same way, not after what happened. But he still and always would care for her. He gritted his teeth and looked down at the table so she couldn’t read that in his eyes. But anyone could see the angry way his jaw clenched. ”I mean, I wondered about you too.” Adrian forced his heart not to pitter-patter in time with her words. ”I just wasn’t ready for this." Shrugging off any hurt or disbelief he felt, Adrian looked up at her, a halfhearted grin playing about his lips. ”You know, I actually wasn’t ready either, but… I try not to make a habit out of letting facts like that throw me off.” He gave the slightest of chuckles and looked down at her finger encircling her glass’ rim. It gave him a small flashback of that same finger, trailing along parts of his body, and he had to fight off a chill. He suddenly took a gulp of his beer and set it down roughly, forcing the flashback down with the alcohol. He cleared his throat and said, ”There is no force on this earth that could make me not care for you, Dawn.” He paused, trying to formulate his next words as careful as possible, as to not set her off. ”I just…need to know why. And don’t give me any crap, ok?” The last bit sounded harsher than he’d wanted, so he took a breath. ”Sorry…. If you honestly believed that I was cheating on you, tell me now. Tell me so we can be done with this.” For once, Adrian didn’t let his eyes stray from hers, and he did his best to lock hers in, too. He needed a straight answer. words 7 1 8 tagged dawn notes ACTUALLY CRYING coded by becky! of caution 2.0

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[dawn nissa carmichael]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] [style=text-align: center] i remember gold days [/style] [style=font-size: 10px; line-height: 10px; padding: 25px; margin-top: -10px; color: 8c8a8a;]dawn studied his reaction to her words carefully, and was surprised at what she found. she really did expect him not to care - despite the two years they had spent together, dawn wasn't the only one with problems when the two split. it wasn't as if she had packed up and left after one little thing. the distrust with his ex had sparked something else - some distrust somewhere in dawn that had eventually undone the two, but adrian had still had his problems with dawn. anyone would - she was mostly making senseless, hurtful decisions during that period. but he seemed to genuinely be hurt that she thought he would have stopped caring after a year. her eyes flicked to the muscle in his jaw (how many times had she touched it? countless - she didn't have that right anymore) and she tried to hold eye contact to better read him but he dropped his gaze away from her as she finished speaking. dawn was trying to be honest with him, but it was proving more difficult than she was prepared for. "you know, i actually wasn't ready either, but... i try not to make a habit out of letting facts like that throw me off." he gave kind of a half ass adrian-not-adrian grin and chuckle combination, and dawn bit down on her tongue hard within her mouth, forcing herself to give a tense smile. everything they were doing was counterproductive. he had a point. adrian wasn't the type to hold back because of practical concerns, and dawn had always loved that in him. until the last few weeks, of course, but she tried not to reference those in her mind unless she was trying to get herself into a rage. she didn't make a habit of spending time around practical people, just because dawn herself couldn't stand people dissecting her every move and telling her what she should and shouldn't be doing. that was ultimately the most defensive part of her. "there is no force on this earth that would make me not care for you, dawn." she froze, and closed her eyes, a crease between her brows. she felt the goosebumps along her arms and the shiver across her back, and suddenly felt very cold. of course he would say that to her. dawn didn't even have enough reaction time to diagnose how she felt about it, and how she felt about the fact that she returned the feeling. "i just... need to know why. and don't give me any crap, ok?" her eyes opened, but she stared down at the table, her lips slightly parted, trying not to let any feelings of hostility creep throughout her. was she really going to discuss this with him? "sorry... if you honestly believed that i was cheating on you, tell me now. tell me so we can be done with this." surprised, dawn brought her eyes up abruptly to his. the first question that jumped to her lips was, done with what?, but that wouldn't have answered his question and it certainly wouldn't have been the appropriate track of conversation. dawn swallowed heavily, not wanting to revisit this area of her life, and knowing it was all lies anyway. she inhaled - closed her eyes for a moment, opened them to rest carefully on his (with all the self control she could muster). "no. i don't think you cheated on me." dawn's voice surprised her by being stronger than she thought possible, which gave her motivation to continue. "i know you too well for that, adrian. you wouldn't have done that." she shook her head and looked off to the side. her tone was loose, broken, low - if someone walked by, they might have even thought she was talking to herself. "and i don't know why, but i... was looking for reasons to distrust you. and i got even more upset when there weren't any, rather than reassured," dawn said slowly, her words trailing off as she realized she was able to speak the truth that she hadn't been able to think for over a year. she didn't want to go into the drinking - because that was no man's land, and she hoped that he didn't intend to bring it up. but her heart was still stuttering from the words she had just spoken - words that changed everything but ultimately changed nothing. she was still where she was. she had still done what she had done. telling the truth wouldn't change it. [/style] tagged adrian words 758 notes definitely cried the whole time i wrote this haha

[adrian noah mcallister]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: D0D4D7; border: #526976 solid 9px; width: 410px; padding: 5 5 5 5px;] i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best As Adrian waited for her answer—waited for what he had been waiting for, for a year, basically—he took the time to assess what it could mean. If she had thought he was unfaithful, perhaps he could prove her wrong, or convince her that he could never do the things that his own parents had done to each other. What that possible ending could lead to, Adrian couldn’t be sure. There was a part of him that wanted her back and that would always want her back. Dawn hadn’t been his first monogamous relationship but she had been his longest and most influential, and no one could just forget a person like Dawn that easily. However, there was also a part of Adrian that just wanted to stop being so torn up over this one girl. He’d never experienced the sort of angst that came with their break up, and he hated it. He hated this feeling, almost more than he loved the feeling of being with her. On the other hand, if she hadn’t really thought him unfaithful, and had let her feelings of distrust get to her like Adrian thought, he may not even get the choice. There had to come a time where Adrian was able to draw a line between him and Dawn, so he could turn away from her and continue living his life. He would prefer that they were on good speaking terms, with no loose ends, and that was the real reason he was here. When her answer finally did come, Adrian found himself feeling a lot differently than he had thought he would. "No. I don't think you cheated on me." Adrian didn’t feel anything at first. ”I know you too well for that, Adrian. You wouldn't have done that." He watched as she looked away, to the side, and he wanted to have a reaction, but he still wasn’t getting one. Her low tone was proof that this was something she was having a hard time with. "And I don't know why, but I... was looking for reasons to distrust you. And I got even more upset when there weren't any, rather than reassured.” Of course, Adrian had been right about that. He slumped into the booth, releasing the breath and tension he’d held without knowing it. He tore his gaze away from her and looked down at the table, studying the flecks in the wood. Of course. Adrian thought he would be relieved that she just ended the relationship for that, and that he would finally be able to let go of the guilt he’d been clutching onto since she left. He hadn’t actually done anything wrong, hooray! But Adrian had always known that. Hearing her say that she basically ended their relationship because of her own insecurities was way worse. Suddenly, he wished he had cheated on her, so she would have had an actual reason to run. But, no, he had to go and be too perfect and ruin everything. As he processed this, his brow creased in a frustrated way, though he was trying hard not to show any anger towards her. But that’s what he felt. His blue eyes flashed towards her after a second, and if she was paying attention she would have seen the betrayal he felt. It wasn’t your traditional betrayal, but he still felt betrayed that she had just given up on what they had for practically no reason. Adrian closed his eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath. He couldn’t blame her. No, that wasn’t true; he could blame her and he did. But he couldn’t let her see that he did. That had always been a part of them; he was always protecting her from herself. Dawn was likely to take whatever guilt he pushed onto her and slosh it down with a bottle of jack, and Adrian hated seeing her messed up like that, more than he hated seeing himself messed up over her. There was no way he was going to guilt trip her in anyway, and he would take whatever betrayal he felt to the grave. Adrian opened his eyes, his gaze now clear and his jaw set determinedly. ”Ok, I can deal with that.” Lie. ”I just needed to know that we could be okay again, you know? If there wasn’t really an issue to begin with, there’s no reason for us to be so… antagonistic towards each other. Right?” Half-truth. He wanted them to be ok; he wanted her to be ok. All Adrian had to do was realize that she just didn’t see herself sticking around with him. That must have been her thought process. It wasn’t like they talked about their futures much past moving in together. Maybe the time for her to leave had just come up. All good things come to an end. That’s what he told himself, anyway. words 8 2 2 tagged dawn notes he’s sO PErfeCT CREYing coded by becky! of caution 2.0

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[dawn nissa carmichael]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=width,450,true] [style=text-align: center] i remember gold days [/style] [style=font-size: 11px; line-height: 10px; padding: 25px; margin-top: -10px; color: 8c8a8a;]something about it still felt so wrong. even when she had said what she subconsciously knew what was happening, the words felt wrong. like she was reading the wrong script for a part in her movie. dawn's blood stirred and she watched, agonized, as he slumped back into his seat. she couldn't tell what he was thinking. relief? anger? she saw his eyes. hurt. betrayal. she understood that - expected that, even, and she deserved every ounce of it. because all of this was her fault and she was willing to accept that now that she could admit it out loud. it almost pained dawn to think that she would have gone on hating adrian if he hadn't come back, hadn't forced this revelation into her life. what would have happened if they had never even broken up? would they still be in california today? what about her, what about him, what about them and their future? hot pricks started behind her eyes and she started suddenly, looking down to hide her eyes and pressing her index fingers to her temples as she heard him begin to speak. "okay, i can deal with that. i just needed to know that we could be okay again, you know? if there wasn't really an issue to begin with, there's no reason for us to be so... antagonistic towards each other. right?" she wasn't listening. dawn's head pounded, and though his words registered somewhere in a part of her brain that was set for overflow when the hurting was too much in the present. "stop," she said loudly, hearing the thickness in her throat and wishing the sore feeling would retreat. she didn't know how to deal with all the problems she had started. "adrian, i can't..." it would be so much easier if she could just let him in, if he could just know what she was going to say before she said it like he had so many months ago. "i can't do this. i can't know that you're out there, and i messed us up and didn't..." she exhaled a small whimper, bringing her eyes up to his. they were more desperate than anything now. "if i was completely over you, this wouldn't be what i was feeling right now. that's why i'm antagonistic. don't you get it?" queasiness filled the pit of her stomach as her self-loathing became inevitable. "if you had come here and i was all prepared and happy to not be with you but be moved on and acquaintances, wouldn't that mean i was over you? the anger is from somewhere else entirely." the thoughts weren't coming to her first - they were directly en route to adrian, and dawn briefly wondered why she could explain herself to him better than she could explain herself to herself. "and just because i was the end of this, didn't mean i ever got over you. it was a... defense mechanism, a self... preservation..." she stuttered over her words and heard her throat constrict tighter as her vision blurred and his face faded. damnit, the last thing she wanted to do was cry. "i was such an idiot... i didn't want to admit that you were the only one for me." she tried to regain control, blubbering was the last thing she was here to do, though she couldn't contain the few tears the slipped out along with the words. "adrian, i never got over you. or got over what you did to me, but i tried to move on anyway. find someone else, and i thought i did, but then all this..." dawn raised her hands helplessly to her sides. "and i'm sorry... that... all i proved to be was a waste of two years of your life, especially when you were anything but a waste." [/style] tagged adrian words 638 notes k im done controlling what she says