Post by barbie athena lyons on Jul 1, 2012 0:11:51 GMT -5
AS I DROWN IN MY REGRETS
she had run out of tears a long time ago. they weren't around anymore - like a well dried to the bottom or a desert free of humidity and rain. there weren't even the clouds anymore - the nebulous fog that settled over your head and pursued the dull ache in the base of your throat, the burning pricks on the back of your eyeballs as your brain spun and your thoughts writhed in agony. that part was sometimes worse than the crying - waiting for the tears. barbie constantly felt in that place unless she was escaping it in the only way she knew - the snowy white fluff in front of her, as she scooped it into a diagonal line across the marked up wood of the pre-supplied table in the scarcely furnished apartment. there were two ways she could escape - proved by the white powder on the table in front of her and the rather fresh scars inside the crease of her elbow. they were still angry and irritated, and barbie stared at them in fascination. they did opposite things than cocaine to her. cocaine allowed her to get up, allowed her to keep going with her day - banished the fatigue and hopelessness and allowed her to be alert. for some reason, all of it came rushing in after she reopened the cuts - not in the form of pain but giving up. reopening the cuts was releasing the pain that seemed to pump through her blood. she could cover it up, because of that. she could pass it off as being tired, or having a stomach ache, even being sore, but the reality was it was pain that reverberated to her core, triggered nausea, nostalgia, she became dizzy and everything would spin and all she wanted was her razor.
and she was exhausted now but wasn't feeling the urge to cut - all she wanted was the cocaine to release the pain and bring her the freedom that she wished she had. she wanted to live with that feeling, sleep with it, eat with it, go to work with it, live with it. maybe that's where the addiction came from. not addiction to the drug. addiction to the lack of the crippling weakness that not snorting it gave her. the edge of the credit card she was using pushed more of the powder into a long, straight line. blinking heavily, barbie exhaled slowly, the room spinning around her in exhaustion. she couldn't remember the last time she slept - maybe a few nights ago when matt was over. maybe she should go to the doctor, see if they'd give her drugs for insomnia. did you have to test positive, or something? she fished out the twenty dollar bill from its position lying next to her on the floor and rolled it tightly, leaning down with the only sound her breathing, like she was breathing but her heart wasn't beating. who needed a heart, after all?
she was sitting with her legs crossed next to the low coffee table, the uncomfortable apartment carpet making imprints on the bottom of her skinny legs. she had hit ninety eight pounds yesterday. everything faded in and out - only a few brief moments ago, she had been in her bed, staring at the ceiling, and now she was in the spinning living room. the fan on the ceiling was the only thing that was still, and barbie thought that was odd because it was on. barbie brought her head down towards the table more to meet the dollar bill, the rough edge scraping the edge of her nose as she dragged it across the thin line, inhaling steadily. the one thing that didn't satisfy her about the drug was it took more each time to reach the euphoria free of pain she wanted. barbie doubted it was really even there anymore. she gave one last sharp inhale at the end of the line as the burning resonated in the back of her nose and throat. cocaine was more expensive than heroin, so barbie really didn't know why she was taking the former. barbie briefly considered changing over, as she laid back on the carpet and closed her eyes. she still had some leftover in the other room, but she didn't want it right now. she closed her eyes and waited for it to leave her alone.
TEMPLATE BY WE WERE INFINITE ! OF CAUTIO 2.0
