HOLDING ON HOPE

[leonardo abram moreno]

Leo pulled himself away from the computer, stunned. His heart was pounding in his chest, his eyes wild. Emotions were running all over the place—he was angry, hurt, sad, relieved, terrified. Ay dios mio, he was so terrified. He had a baby. A little baby boy. No—not a baby anymore. A toddler. That sent another course of anger running through the young man’s system. For two years the blood of his very own blood was growing, learning, living without him. It broke his heart to think that his own son didn’t even know who he was. Tabby was worried about ruining his future? Fuck the future. Knowing this…. She and his son were his future. He wished he could have seen her, rosy cheeked and plump with pregnancy. She must have been unbelievably beautiful. She would always be unbelievably beautiful.
Leo shook his head and rubbed his hands over his face. All of this… it was too much, too fast. He had to see her in person, see that all of it was true. The idea of seeing Tabitha again made an unexpected bout of nerves rush over him. It had been two years since they’d seen each other, and the last time was when Tabby had broken his heart by breaking up with him. For the past two years he’d wondered what he had done to make her change her mind—he had loved her so much. All this time, and it was the baby. He wished more than anything that he had known then what he knew now. Everything would be different.
Enough thinking, Leonardo! Leo shook himself, strolling purposefully towards the door. He and Tabby did not live all that far apart, and it was a warm night. He took the distance in a ten-minute jog, sweaty and panting by the time he was outside her door. His heart clenched with—what? Fear, anger, pain, excitement? He was so angry at her, beside himself really. He wanted to shake Tabitha senseless for putting him through this. He walked up to the door, knocking softly. He didn’t want to wake up the baby. His heart dropped into his stomach as the door creaked open…

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

Tabitha could hardly understand what had just happened. Her heart was thundering in her chest and she wasn’t sure how to breathe properly. She hadn’t realized that she was crying until a tear dropped down onto her lap. She forced herself to take a deep breath and log out of the chat room. This wasn’t how is was supposed to happen, she hadn’t been prepared for this. There had been so many times when she had picked up the phone and dialled his number, only to hang up. Gavin needed a father but she was too much of a coward to give him one. People looked at her with pity when they saw her, assuming she was a single mom because he left but in truth, she had pushed him away. Now he was about to show up at her house for the first time in nearly three years. He was about to meet the son he never even knew existed.

She nearly jumped when she felt a small hand on her leg. She glanced down to see a very sleepy eyed little boy tugging on her pant leg. She felt herself smile as she took in his ruffled appearance. His dark curly hair stuck up in every which way as it always did. He had his father hair but his eyes were all hers. She reached down and scooped him up in his arms. ”Why are you awake Sweet heart?” He rested his head on her shoulder ”I waked up” Tabitha’s mood soared because of the little boy in her arms. A knock brought her out of her thoughts and she clutched Gavin tighter. As she walked over to the door, he nestled in closer to her, he was always shy when people came to visit. She stroked his hair reassuringly and walked over to the door, taking a deep breath before opening it. His appearance nearly took her breath away, she couldn’t believe he was actually here. ”Hi”

[leonardo abram moreno]

Leo pulled himself away from the computer, stunned. As the door opened, all Leo could really think was that he wanted to scream at Tabby, to show her how hurt and furious he was with her. Then the sight of them caught him off guard. Two pairs of the same beautiful big blue eyes staring out at him, one sleepy and the other apprehensive. All of his anger melted away immediately, blocked out by the love and fierce protectiveness that overcame him. Leo’s heart hammered in his chest. Oh, Tabby… he murmured quietly. He wanted to drink her in, to study every inch of her beautiful body—but he could only focus on the small person in her arms. He really was a tiny, perfect mix of the two of them. Physical proof of the love they had made nearly three years ago. It broke Leo’s heart to see how big Gavin was, and the lack of recognition on his sweet little face. He was dying to wrap both of them up in his arms, to cradle them against his chest and hold on forever. But he knew that the boy didn’t recognize him, and didn’t want their first encounter to be a scary one. With a pained ache in his voice, Leo hesitantly took a step inside. ”Oh, tabby. Why… why would you do this to me?” He reached out and gently caressed her soft cheek, not knowing what else to do. Every part of his body ached, and as much as he wanted to stay angry and horrified, and wish it wasn't so, all he could feel was regret for not being there for the two of them.

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

She hadn’t been prepared for how she would feel when that door opened. Seeing him there was nearly too much for her but she had to be strong. Her son couldn’t grow up without his father; she needed to make this work for him. She took a deep breath and shifter her weight slightly. Her breathing had become audibly shaky but she couldn’t seem to control it. She could feel Gavin grasping her tightly, men made him nervous and he was pretty shy over all. She stroked his hair again ”It’s ok love” she murmured gently in his ear, trying to reassure him. Her eyes lifted from his small and wary face and met Leo’s eyes. She watched as he drank everything in, ”Oh, tabby. Why… why would you do this to me?” She couldn’t stop herself from leaning into his hand and she took another deep breath. ”I thought it was for the best, I’m so sorry” She blinked rapidly and tried desperately to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. She turned from him suddenly, ”Gavin’s probably getting cold, we should move this inside.” She didn’t wait for him to reply but simply walked back into the house. She took the opportunity to brush away a stray tear before she sat down on the couch. Gavin borrowed into her and peered out from underneath his mother’s hair. ”Would you like to sit?”

[leonardo abram moreno]

Watching Tabby be so sweet and mothering with the boy--their boy, their baby Gavin--made Leo's heart clench. God, she was so beautiful, so perfect. He sucked in a sharp breath when she leaned into his touch, wanting so badly to pull her close but knowing that now was not the time. "The best, Tabby? The best for whom exactly? I know you meant well but... this was not the best." Leo's voice was hurt but also stern--he needed her to know how much he dissaproved of her decision. About all things, Leo liked to always be in the know and always part of making decisions. Tabby knew this about him. She knew how protective he was, and how much he liked to have a say. And still she did this to him. It still made him feel guilty when the tell-tale signs that she was upset rose quickly. He followed her closely, gently closing the door behind him. "Tabby, don't be like this," he gently continued, "This is just hard for me. It's going to be okay." Staring intently at Gavin, Leo smile tentatively at the boy. "Oh Gavin, I can tell you are such a good boy... Do you have any idea who I am?" Even though his voice was clear and steady, Leo's eyes showed how pained he was. He stared back at Tabby. "My own little boy, Tabby... how could you? Please, come sit with me. I want so badly to be near you."

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

Tabitha knew that keeping this from him had not at all been the right decision. At the time it had just made sense, at fifteen, she figured that it would just be better. Now that he was there and she could see how he looked at her, how he looked at her son – their son, she knew it had been a mistake. ”I know, and I’m so sorry. I was just so scared, I didn’t know what to do, it made sense at the time…”It was quickly becoming more and more difficult to hold back her tears but she didn’t want either of them to see her cry. She was a mother and mothers weren’t supposed to be upset in front of their children. ”I know it is, I know how hard it was for me, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, I had nine months to get used to the whole idea.” The way he spoke to Gavin made her heart melt and she couldn’t believe that she had kept him from him. She could feel Gavin shaking his head slightly and she could tell that he was very confused. Before she could stop it, another tear fell and she quickly brushed it away, keeping it together was becoming much more difficult than anticipated. She moved closed to him so their arms were just barely brushing. ”I’m glad you came”

[leonardo abram moreno]

Leo could tell how hard Tabby was trying to stay strong--she had a little boy who needed her in her arms, after all. But Leo couldn't blame her either for being upset. They were both emotional. What should have been an exciting and heartwarming reunion was tainted by secrets from the past. Leo shook his head sadly, staring down at her. "Oh, pequeñita..." He spoke it like a prayer. She was so precious to him, and already Gavin was as well. She moved close, barely touching him, and it was like a damn broke for Leo. He pulled her into his arms quickly and gently, greedily breathing in her scent and kissing the top of her head. "My sweet girl, I forgive you. Just give me the chance to make this right, please. Darling I want to be here for you. I want to be the one you turn to." He pulled away slightly, still holding on to her arms, and carefully avoiding crushing or frightening Gavin. He sure was a shy little thing--and it was pretty late to boot. "I want to be a father to our baby. Please, please give me that." He looked Gavin in the eye, smiling warmly at him. "Gavin I know you don't know me yet, but I love your mommy... and I love you too. I want to come over and play with you some times, and maybe bring you presents..." He didn't want to overwhelm the boy, or think that he was taking him away. Heck, he probably didn't really even know what Leo meant. "Would that be okay? Can I bring you a present next time you come?" A thought occurred to him, wrenching at his heart. He blinked at Tabby. "When is his birthday? Tabitha, you must tell me everything."

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

The way he spoke her name, well her nickname of sorts, made her melt. He had always called her that and to her it was nearly more familiar than her given name. She had missed it, so much and hearing it made her want to leap into his arms and stay there. She could tell that her son was about to fall asleep in her arms but he was staying up out of curiosity. He was being rather good, usually he would have been desperate for his room, away from strangers. As Leo pulled her in his arms she leaned into him and let out a soft sigh. Being there was so comfortable and familiar that she nearly forgot the three years that had passed. If it hadn’t been for so many secrets, things would be been as though they had never changed. She gave him a small smile for the first time that night and nodded. ”Of course, Gavin needs you” I need you The words echoed inside her head but she wasn’t able to say them out loud. As he spoke the Gavin, the mention of gifts seemed to perk his interest a bit. ”Gavin would love that, wouldn’t you love?” She could feel him nodded against her shoulder and she rubbed his back gently. ”I’ll answer all of your questions in a minute, but first, this little guy needs to go back to bed.” She indicated to his eyes which had shut already, it was far passed his bed time. She got up and went into his room quickly, exiting moments later. He had been asleep before his little head had even hit the pillow. She returned to her spot on her couch, sitting closer this time. ”His birthday is January fourth by the way, he just turned two this year.”

[leonardo abram moreno]

She fell into his arms--fitting as perfectly as ever. He breathed a sigh of relief that Tabby did not resist, and welcomed the rushing back of memories. Who said teenage love couldn't last? She would always be the only one for him; three years apart and she was still all he ever wanted. He was also relieved that Gavin didn't seem too overly wary of his father. It was only with great reluctance that he let the two of them go. He nodded in acceptance--it was really quite late. Watching them retrieve, Leo tried to get ahold of all the emotions whirling through him. He shook his head but smiled sadly when Tabby came back out. "January... a winter baby. He is so beautiful Tabitha. Just like you." His eyes warmed; as much as Leo wished he could stay mad at her, it was impossible. "A son... oh Tabitha. Let's talk. We have a lot to figure out."

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

Tabitha knew that they had quite a lot to catch up on. Not only did she have to fill him on her life but she also had to tell him everything about their son. She wasn’t quite sure where to start, it was going to be a rather long conversation but talking about Gavin was something that came quite naturally to her. Sometimes she worried that she bored others with all of her talk about her little boy but this would give her the opportunity to say as much as she wanted. She let herself lean into him, breathing in his all too familiar scent. Being there with him made her realize just how much she had missed him. ”He’s a pretty even mix, he reminds me of you.” She was glad that he didn’t seem overly angry although he had every reason to be. The two of them had never really fought before and the concept seemed somewhat wrong. ” We do. I don’t even know where to begin, do you have any questions?”

[leonardo abram moreno]

Leo frowned. Did he have questions? All he has questions. But really where would they start? Leo sat down an the couch, leaning his elbows on his knees, looking up at her. "Come here, Tabitha." He motioned for her to come stand in front of him. He wanted to take in all of her. That long brown hair, those long lean limbs, her sweet smelling skin. Again the image of her pregnant with his child came into his head, making him weak. He smiled shyly up at her, sad but hopeful. "Start from the beginning. When did you find out? How did you decide what to do?"

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

Tabitha had always been rather shy but she wasn’t about to refuse him anything. She stood in front of him, trying her best to seem confident as he looked her over. She had never considered herself very pretty, she was quite short and her unruly dark hair always seemed a mess. She bit her lip and did her best not to sit back down; she wasn’t used to all this attention. ”Sorry I’m a bit of a mess, I wasn’t expecting company until very recently.” She wished she could have at least brushed her hair or something to make herself look some what presentable. ”I found out May twenty fourth, two thousand and nine.” She hesitantly returned to her spot next to him, tucking her feet underneath of her and staring down at her own hands. ”It was actually pretty easy to decide, abortion was never an option and I couldn’t imagine myself giving him up.”

[leonardo abram moreno]

Leo smiled, his eyes warming as he looked up at Tabby. He reached up and gently tugged on her chin, a subtle reminder to not bite her lip. All this time and he still felt like nothing had changed--they were still the same. "Don't be silly, Tabby, you look as breathtaking as always." He ran his hands down her sides, remembering every curve, every inch of smooth skin. It was only with great reluctance that he didn't tighten his grip to let her sit down beside him. He nodded, watching her face solemnly. "I'm so glad you kept him, pequeñita. I want to be his father. I want to be here for you." He tilted his head to the side, his dark eyes full of concern. "I don't know where to start either. Tell me about him. What does he like? How can I make him happy?"

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[TABITHA NAOMI REED]

Tabitha released her lip from the iron grip of her own teeth as he touched her chin gently. He had always been trying to break her of the nervous habit. She didn’t blame him for it; there had been times where she had drawn blood without even realizing it. The way he ran his hands down her sides felt amazing but she couldn’t help shying away slightly. Although she had returned back to her normal weight, she still felt a little self-conscious of her body. Her small frame had struggled to grow enough to make room for Gavin when she was pregnant and she felt as though it wasn’t the same as it had once been. ”well thank you” I don’t believe you but thanks anyway. She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. ”I want you to be there for him too” She fought back a yawn, she had been up since the crack of dawn and she could feel fatigue setting in. ”He loves stories and picture books, he has a rather astounding attention span for a two year old.” A smile came to her face as she spoke about her son, she just couldn’t help it. ”You can make him happy by just being here, he’ll warm up to you, you just have to go slow and give him some time.”